F A I T H

Hey y'all,

   Today, on the blog I am doing something a little different than normal. Don't worry, the fashion will be back in a couple of days but this is where the L I F E in life and style blog comes into play. I am smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt many like to call it. I was raised in a southern Baptist church which I still attend with my family. In my heart, I am close to God. I love everyone and I don't judge a soul. Each individual has fought their own battles and honestly, who am I to judge? Having said all of that, I am going to share with you one of the most trying times of my Christian faith. It's a long story, so bare with me. But I promise, it is a story worth reading and it's the first time I have opened up about this event since it happened and I chose to do so with all of you.

   On Friday June 6th, 2015...Cory and I had a wedding to attend later that evening and at the time I was still working part time. Cory and I had discussed having another baby and I knew it took a few months to get pregnant with Jack so, I just thought let's just see what happens and try this month! Well, I decided to take a test on this particular day and as shocked as I was, there were two little pink lines on that test. Cory and I had a miscarriage with our first pregnancy and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through as a woman but it was also hard on Cory and I as a family. It was just extremely discouraging being our first pregnancy and I went through a really depressed state. But, I have an amazing husband who carried us through with the help of God of course and then a few months later we found out we were pregnant with Jack! So, funny thing, my husband's side of the family has 0 girls. It is ALL boys...which at first I just knew this second baby of ours would be another  boy until our anatomy ultrasound on September 15, 2015. When the tech informed us it was a girl, I cried. I immediately thought of all the fun things that come with having a girl. My hubby on the other hand was so shocked, we both were really...but Cory is a big manly man and just visioning him with a girl cracked me up but melted my heart all at the same time. 

   As soon as we found out we were pregnant, we started house hunting. Our little home was perfect for the three of us but it was just a little over 1,000 sq. feet, and we were about to seriously outgrow it. Cory and I found several homes and we had put an offer in on one and someone came along and out bid us. But just within a week of that happening, we found 'the one.' Our forever home was in the same neighborhood as the home we were living in, just a different phase and a lot bigger! On September 17th, we closed on our home and started renovations. We literally gutted the entire house so we could have everything just the way we wanted it, since we knew this would be it for us and we wanted it complete before Henley Rose made her debut. I of course was having so much fun with it all picking out all the flooring and paint colors. And I spent so much time in Lowes and Home Depot and loved every minute of it, anything to do with fixing up or decorating a home, I'm all about it! During this time, I would spend about 45 minutes every morning just chatting it up with God. I was so thankful for all the blessings he was bestowing upon my family and me. I've personally never been one to pray for anything for myself, but I just really enjoyed giving more time to him and just felt so close. This part I am about to mention, keep in mind through this story. I had one thing I was requesting from God during our time together. I so badly wanted to start staying at home but just didn't know if we were financially able having just bought our new home. I was just praying that he would show me a way...

   On October 12th, 2015, a Monday...I had been at work all day and Cory had just picked Jack up from his parent's house. The painter called wanting us to come by and make sure we liked the color he was painting the cabinets. We were planning on moving into the new home that following weekend. I had made chili and brownies that previous Saturday and so we ate the chili and planned to go check out the cabinets. When we returned home, we were going to bathe, heat up the brownies and watch WWE's Monday night Raw.  Yes, I love wrestling and I will NEVER deny that! When we left our home to go check out the cabinets, I never would have guessed that would be our last time as a family or let alone our last time period in our first home where so many amazing memories were made.

   Our new home has two driveways, a lower one and an upper one. The painter was in the upper garage painting the cabinets and he had his truck parked in the middle of the driveway so we just decided to park my little SUV along the curb in front of our house, after all...it is a neighborhood and everyone else did it. I remember getting out of the front passenger side door and going to open up Jack's door directly behind mine to get him out. Cory had gone around the front of the car to meet with the painter. The next thing I recall was waking up for a split second with the painter screaming, "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH! Tamara, can you get into Cory's phone?!" And then I went back out. I woke up again to a man in the back of an ambulance asking if I wanted Jack to go to the hospital with me and then I remember feeling a kick (Henley) and then going back out again. Third time I awoke and my cousin, mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law were standing over me.

   I had no recollection of what all had happened. I remember looking up and everyone was crying and then I looked over and saw Jack sitting in one of the chairs next to my gurney. I then felt my stomach and Henley kicked. After that it clicked, Cory wasn't in the room. I immediately started asking my mother-in-law, "Where is Cory?" She started crying and said, "They are working on him." I immediately felt this pit in my stomach. Cory and I have been together since I was in the 8th grade and him a freshman in high school. We have been together for over half our lifetime, not heard of now a days but we were just meant for each other. I looked my mother-in-law square in the eyes and said, "I can't live without him, he's everything to me, my best friend...he has to be okay."

   Once reality had set in, I asked what happened. Apparently, this "person" who will remain nameless was speeding down the street (in a subdivision that is 20mph) doing at least 60...ran into the back of my Ford Escape which in turn ran over Cory throwing him up in the air 15 feet and he came back down landing on his head which caused a frontal lobe brain injury. He was life starred to the hospital. The girl's car, also a Ford Escape flipped. As I was getting Jack out of his car seat, apparently I never let go of the car, which drug me 10 feet on my belly until it hit a telephone pole. I had a broken clavicle and was 23 weeks pregnant at the time. Later I did find out from the painter who saw the whole thing, that Jack was completely out of his car seat and standing on the little hump behind the center console screaming for me and his daddy. That in itself is the biggest blessing, the fact that he walked away with 0 scratches. His car seat on the other hand was cracked in half. That's how hard the impact was.

   Right before they released me from the hospital, yes, I was released the same night this all happened...I started vomiting thanks to a concussion...my 4th at that. Also, Henley was fine but the OB doctor on call did inform me that I could lose the baby and if that were to happen, I would know within the next 24-48 hours. That was definitely the last thing I wanted to hear with everything else going on and having already lost one baby to a miscarriage. Before I left the hospital, they allowed me to go upstairs where Cory was. I just remember being wheeled into his room and seeing this tube going into his mouth and all these machines around him. How did we get here? Everything leading up to this moment was so perfect. At this time, we still didn't know if he was going to make it or not. The hardest thing I had to do was leave him to go stay with my mom so she could take care of me. My in-laws of course stayed with Cory.

   The next day, I woke up to still being sick and an awful headache. My mother-in-law kept me informed through out the day on Cory's condition. His heart ended up acting crazy and they had to work on him and I couldn't get back to him fast enough. Around 5 that evening, my vomiting stopped and my little sister bathed me (you literally can't do anything with a broken collarbone and I had scrapes all over my body) and my mom took me back to the hospital. From that moment on, I stayed with my in-laws so I could be at the hospital within minutes if something happened. I will say, the entire time Cory was in the hospital (12 days), I was extremely positive and just gave everything up to God. There were a few days that Cory's health was still up in the air. The thing with him was his sodium levels. If those went up then the swelling on his brain went down and he could be moved to a different floor until he was discharged. It took several days but the levels went up to where we needed them and his family and I were so grateful for that. The doctors were very positive about Cory's recovery. They said he could return to work in February at the earliest.

   When Cory was finally released, it was just a few days shy of Halloween. During the time he was in the hospital, everything was being finished up at our new house. And with Cory being in law enforcement, that is a bond that is thicker than blood. Several of Cory's fellow officers moved our stuff from our old house to our new one, replaced toilets, light fixtures, the list just goes on. I am forever grateful for my blue family and so is Cory. The one thing the doctors failed to mention the ENTIRE time was what to expect during the healing process. I can honestly say, aside from our miscarriage, being with Cory during his time of recovery was the hardest thing myself, or anyone else in this family has ever seen or had to go through. Having had so many concussions  myself, I just assumed it would be headaches and sleeping a lot but no. It was far worse than that. I think unless you KNOW someone that has had a brain injury, you really just wouldn't be able to understand the extent of it. The Cory that came home from the hospital, wasn't the Cory I married, I will just leave it at that. There were many tears shed and what if's during this time. If you haven't ever researched the brain, it is the most amazing organ. With Cory's particular injury, a frontal lobe injury...he literally went through every symptom of this injury. I encourage you to read up on it, it may help to understand more of what we went through.

13 days before the accident. Cory had just switched jobs to better our family and this was at his swearing in.

   Six weeks passed by and Cory was cleared to go back to work, the day after Thanksgiving. I married a rockstar y'all. He wasn't due to go back until February. I was then ok'd to go back to work as well...I had to be with him at all times during the recovery process. As the days passed, his mood and temper got better. I can say this with honesty, I don't feel like he was completely healed until the summer of 2016. I still noticed things were off about him or he would do or say things that MY Cory wouldn't. Nothing bad, just different things, little things.

   When we both went back to work, life was so hectic. We didn't know what we were going to do about me working, daycare was too expensive, we were having to get all the family to help with Jack. We were going two days at a time without seeing each other or Jack. We ended up having to take legal action from the accident. The bills were astronomical to say the least. Once we did find out how much we would have left over after all the bills were paid off, it was going to be just enough to pay off our mortgage and my new car since my other one was totaled. Tell me that isn't God right there.

   On February 04, 2016, we welcomed our little Henley Rose into the world. Despite being told after the accident on several occasions she was going to be okay, I still didn't believe it until I could see it for myself. And on this day, I saw perfection. To have gone through something like we did, she could have easily been taken from us, but God has a plan for her. I am 100% certain she is going to do big things in this world. Plus, God knew I needed her, and oh did I need her. Our sweet Jack, he's going to do big things too. He needs to be a lawyer as much as he likes to argue. And his little country accent, but he has the best vocabulary of any 4 year old I know.

   Now, I'm a stay at home mom turned blogger. Our forever home is paid for and so is my car. Cory is doing amazing things at his place of work. Our family couldn't be any better at this moment. To be honest, that scares me. Knowing this is how I felt that exact night the accident occurred. I hate it because I never let myself get completely happy with no worries. It's more like LIFE IS FANTASTIC but what's gonna happen? And it isn't fair. As far as the accident goes, Cory remembers nothing. I'm extremely thankful for that. He doesn't even remember coming home or how he acted, which I am also thankful for. I have little bits pop into my head at times thanks to my subconscious. Like, I don't remember anything about Life Star, but to this day, if I hear it, I'm immediately taken back to that night and I cry. I'm also thankful I was knocked out at the scene of the accident too. Forgive and forget...that is the Christian thing to do and I understand that. But to this day that is the one thing I have an issue with. I can say I was extremely mad at God for allowing this but now that we've gotten through it, I'm so thankful. Just think about it, Cory is the ONLY one in our family that could have sustained an injury such as his. Jack, no way. Me? We would have for sure lost Henley. We literally got back just the right amount of money to pay off what needed in order for me to stay at home. You see, to God the accident was a little bump in the road. To us, it was major and life changing but for the better. We learned a lot, I learned a lot. Cory has always been an amazing husband and father, but realizing how easily things could have been taken away, he's an even better man for that. I forgive God.

   As far as the person that did this, no, I cannot forgive and I struggle with this daily. We never received a card, an apology, nothing. And on top of all that, to hear about how they acted at the scene of the accident. That's why I say I'm glad I was knocked out. Lucky for them. All I know is this, if I had caused as much pain to a family as they did, I would be begging to help every chance I got. There are all walks of life in this world, I get that. But this particular person, the things we heard about their character and just the type of person they were / are...I'm honestly not surprised we never heard from them. I can say this, you reap what you sow. God took care of us and I am so thankful for His love. And when we came home from the accident, all the neighbors were coming out to visit and they couldn't believe Cory was already home. In fact, right after the accident, there were neighbors joining hands on both sides of the street praying. One man walked up and said he was a retired state trooper and that Cory would never make it. When he saw Cory return home, he got back into church and right with God. I will never completely know WHY this happened to us, but I can fill in a few of the blanks.

   Never take this life for granted. It can change in the blink of an eye. I hope to some day be 100% back to the old care free Tamara that didn't worry when everything was just perfect. We all deserve to enjoy that. It took a long time but I am right back where I was with God and he has lead me down this blogging path which I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the accident. There ya have it...how I got here, in the blogging world and my little testimony on faith. I hope you all enjoyed today's post and I hope it made you think a little bit too. Enjoy life, enjoy every moment! I hope you guys have a blessed evening. Now, go hug your loved one's extra tight.

xoxo,
Tamara Rose

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.